Quote-Worthy Bits


I read these excerpts from a local publication and feel compelled to quote them here because of the irresistible humor and wit embodied in each thought.

Cojones--means balls in Spanish which can also be referred to as guts. Yet, what is the difference between balls and guts?


"Guts is when you arrive home late, after a night out with the boys. Your wife opens the door wielding a broom. If you have guts, you ask: Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

And balls? Again, you come home late after a night out with the boys. You reek of perfume and beer. And there are lipstick smears on your collar. If you have balls, you whack your wife on her bottom and snort: 'You're next'.

There is no difference in the outcome. "Both will ultimately result in death."

And speaking of death, get this:

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep; not screaming--like all the other passengers in his car."

An obstetrician in San Antonio, Texas recalls:

"A man dashes into the emergency room and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I quickly grabbed my bag, rushed out to the cab ahead of him, quickly lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed there were several cabs--and I was in the wrong one."

Then, there was this medical school lecturer who tossed these items at pre-med students clustered before him.

"Ladies and gentlemen, when you will be assigned to emergency room duty, you will quickly discover from the patients that the traffic cops wheel in two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead."

"Some of your over-speeding patients will have slammed their cars into a rut in the road. They will discover that the only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth."

"As for me," the lecturer added, "I've discovered that life is sexually transmitted. And health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die. In fact I used to eat a lot of organic and natural foods--until I learned that most people die of natural causes. So never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway."

A psychiatrist friend reminds me that disorders in her field of specialization, can sometimes be tossed around as carols. Like what?

Like these, she e-mailed:

Schizophrenia--"Do You Hear What I Hear?";

Multiple Personality Disorder:--"We Three Kings Disoriented Are";

Paranoia:--"Santa Claus Is Coming--to get me";

Dementia:--"I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas";

Narcissistic:--Hark the Herald Angels Sing--About Me."


In closing let me add this, what's the difference between a neurotic, a psychotic and a psychiatrist?

A neurotic builds air castles.

A psychotic lives in them.

And it is the psychiatrist who collects the rent.

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